Blog: Triggered

I do not like being stood up. I perceive it as a high level of disrespect to another human being. If someone isn't dying, hospitalized, or incarcerated, I don't really understand what other excuse could reasonably justify standing someone up and I find it to be very inconsiderate. Being stood up is just about a deal breaker for me. 

Another feeling of abandonment that plays out in my dating life, that occurs more as my dating life advances with someone, is when people tell me that they are going to do something, and they don't. This is a form of micro-abandonment to me because of the lack of care or effort that plays apart in it. Now, it's completely different when someone tries to give their best effort and for whatever reason, they are not able to accomplish a task. It's also a difference when it is properly communicated and discussed. But when someone claims something with their word or their actions, then I have an expectation that they are going to do so. When I first date someone, I always forewarn them that I live by the following principle, "Say what you mean to say, do what you say you're going to do." I always warn, but they never listen. Now, I hold that expectation with others simply because it is a principle that I follow myself, especially when it comes to my relationships. I do not like to let my partner down in any aspect and I take pride in keeping my partner happy. But when this is not reciprocated, it hurts me deeply. It makes me feel in-considered, almost non-existent. 

Now, a part of my growth journey is about understanding that I seek peace, internally and externally. And I have come to acknowledge that although I can be triggered by someone, it is my responsibility to let the trigger control me. Only I can dictate how I respond to a trigger. It is ultimately no one's responsibility but my own. We my want partners who genuinely care and are sensitive to our triggers, but it is not their responsibility to uphold your behavior. I've come to a point in my life where I am officially tired of letting other people and even my own triggers control my actions and responses. I've never been one to have a victim mindset, so this realization is not a revelation, but merely a deeper understanding as learn and embrace myself, layer by layer. 

For instance, as I've mentioned previously, I have cut people off relentlessly because of my abandonment issues. When I am in a relationship, I tend to let those micro-abandonment feelings bottle up and fill until the hurt overflows and becomes unbearable. And this has always resulted in the same cascade of events: I end the relationship in a way that draws extreme boundaries and distance. It's as if the person actually literally becomes non-existent to me. It's like the little devil is on my shoulder and tells me, "You've felt like you didn't matter, like you didn't exist. So it's time for you see them as the same."

My mother has even "joked" about how my relationships end. She always talks about how if the person I ended the relationship with never existed. To the outside world, people always assume my behavior is because I never truly cared about the person. I always come off unbothered, for some reason. My mother thought I ended my relationships with indifference. But it was actually quite the opposite. Everyone I've ever loved, I loved deeply. Even for those that never made it to the status of "love". if I cared for you, I cared for you deeply. Breakups are almost like deaths to me because of how deeply I feel. It's the gift and curse of being an empath. An empath feels everything, and at times, feeling everything can be the same feeling when you're feeling nothing at all...

This recurring behavior is something that we may identify as a toxic trait. Why? It was deserved, someone might suggest. And although it may feel justified, it still causes harm to someone outside of yourself.This is where the black and white of Good and Bad turns to a shade of gray. But healing is not just about trying to identify certain behaviors. That's just the surface of its intent. The ultimate goal of healing is not just realization; it's also understanding. Well, that's at least for someone like me, who seeks deeper understanding and knowledge of this world that we are forced to exist in.  

So, with this counseling session, I was not only able to come to a realization about my abandonment issues, I was also able to determine some of the root causes of what triggers that feeling in me. Now, another layer of healing is choosing not to be defined by our triggers, and with that comes accountability. Part of my personal journey is the desire take accountability on how my actions have contributed to repeated toxic, or recurring, cycles. This is important for me because I believe in the philosophy that No one can save you, but yourself to be true, in almost all aspects of life. And what that means in this particular aspect is that if I'm going to become the version of myself that I aspire to be,  I need to identify what slows my growth and make the necessary changes that are needed in return. Now, this is not a one track path to success. Healing is circular, not linear, as most might think. Triggers do not go away. It is more so up to us on how we respond to them or how much we let them affect us. 

I realize how much I let my expectations upon others affect my mood. I've also come to realize how I choose to terminate relationships is extremely unhealthy and how it does the opposite effect of moving on. Why is that? Because going so "cold" in a relationship like that does not give you or the other person closure. Not only does it diminish closure, it also hurts them. And I honestly would never want to intentionally hurt someone I love, family, friend, or lover. One of the first time I actually felt shame came from when I learned years after a relationship ended on how much I actually have hurt some people because of how I ended a relationship. And although I had my reasons, that still does not excuse it.

Another negative consequence of this action is letting my guilt control my actions and intentions. This has caused me to allow people of the past back into my life, for reasons of guilt, redemption, a second chance at happiness, etc...<ore often, the lesson that is learned is that they were my ex for a reason, and it ends up being another lesson to learn from the repeated cycle. But not anymore. I'm ready for change.

This is the first time that I am able to identify my a trait in my healing journey, understand the root causes, and use that information to change how I respond to a trigger. This can lead to a different outcome than the normal repeated theatrics of my relationships. Now, I don't expect this realization to be a fix to everything that is wrong with my life. That's not how healing works. I aim to get closer to my truest desires one step at a time. I seek the purest form of peace and happiness for myself. And that involves me learning and understanding myself, as it is the only way that I know how to be happy for myself. I am done trying to make others happy. I'm done confining my happiness to other's judgements, standards, and expectations. 

So, how is that I am deciding to bring change for myself in this aspect? Well, as I said before, any other time I would normally take extreme measures to end the relationship and remove all form of communication and access. But this time, I won't respond the same. For starters, I won't allow someone to constantly hurt me in such a way and not communicate exactly how it makes me feel. There are certain boundaries that I now have for myself before it even gets that far with someone. Boundaries that will help to weed out the intentional from the unintentional.

I am also aware of how my overthinking plays a roll in the detriment of my mental during those times. I've been actively working to let go of overthinking, although I must admit, there are times where I still fall victim to it. But these past couple of years have taught me to trust my intuition more as each experience in my life progresses. I've recently walked into a season of where I am starting to actually listen and trust my intuition. And please know that intuition is not just the little voice inside your head that tells whether or not to make a choice. Intuition is also the raw and instinctual response to a stimulant. It's the first natural response that your gut/intuition gives you about a person. And I must say, when I look back and reflect, the men that I was naturally impressed and in awe of have been the men that come in life for the overall good, versus the men who I allowed into my life for unhealthy reasons. I'm learning to grow more discernment in my interactions because of that. 

In terms of actually being triggered when I'm disappointed or let down by someone, I'm learning that disappointment only surfaces because of an expectation that I have placed on someone else. And this is where I go wrong, because that's still seeking some form of control in a person or the experience. No matter how hard someone tries, we cannot control another human being. We all have the gift and curse of free will. Even if we are able to control someone physically, you still cannot contain someone mentally. That is the reason why Hope will forever exists in humanity, no matter how bad things may get. I've learned to be able to release that type of desire, release that type of control and expectation on someone. And in return, I shall respond to someone using more of my intuition. My mood. My unfiltered and natural response to someone. But also, that natural response is now based off a better judgement on things such as patience, boundaries, analyzing actions versus promise of actions, words with intention versus those who speak without aim, grace, honor, and respect. 

I'm finding my way, for myself, one step at a time.